If He Had Been with Me by Laura Nowlin

I think this book is either something you love or something you hate, as for me, I loved it. And the strange thing about this is that I felt like I should hate it. If He Had Been with Me was honestly kind of repetitive and long-winded, which are usually things I despise, but for some reason it worked here. I actually enjoyed watching Autumn change and grow over the course of high school, even though this process took hundreds of pages. I appreciated the gloomy, monotone voice that the book was narrated in, foreshadowing the unfortunate ending. Watching Autumn and Finny grow and change made their downfall feel so much more personal and heartbreaking. Autumn’s story just felt so relatable, and I was touched by her thoughts many times. It was a phenomenal story to read, and I have to admit, in the last few pages I did shed a few tears.

If He Had been with Me is a coming of age story with beautiful language and messages. I witnessed Autumn discover the world around her for the first time. I watched her fall in love, struggle with depression, heal from her first heartbreak, and find herself in the midst of a crumbling family. Here are few quotes that really pulled on my heartstrings:

“I can feel the printed words seeping through my skin and into my veins, rushing to my heart and marking it forever. I want to savor this wonder, this happening of loving a book and reading it for the first time, because the first time is always the best, and I will never read this book for the first time ever again.” 

“I used to say to myself that I just have to get through winter, that I just have to wait. That things would get better then. And I know that winter is supposed to end, but things are not always the way they are supposed to be.” 

“Sometimes I am disappointed with love. I thought that when you were in love, it would always be right there, staring you in the face, reminding you every moment that you love this person”

My absolute favorite part of this book was at the very end. Watching Finny and Autumn bond together again was so wholesome and it was a dream to read. As I watch Autumn heal with Finny by her side, I am plagued with the knowledge that something terrible is about to happen, and when the time comes for the car crash, I can’t help but cry. I felt so betrayed by the ending even though I knew that the good times could never stay. Autumn’s narration is distant and heartbroken, perfectly reflecting the grief that she feels in that moment, and I never saw the plot twist coming in those last chapters. 

What a lot of people don’t realize about this book is that it is about so much more than the romance, it’s about grief, friendship, heartbreak, mental health, and the daily struggles of being a teen. If you start reading this book with intention of finding a sweet romance, you will be disappointed, but if you keep an open mind you might be surprised with how much you enjoy this novel. I cannot wait to read the sequel in Finny’s perspective. I was disappointed that we didn’t get much of his view and I am so excited hear his narration, even though it will undoubtedly break my heart. 

Let me leave you with one final quote:

“Things aren’t always the way they’re supposed to be”

Published February 25th 2024